So I’ve given a lot of thought to this over the years, and I think my approach is a bit unconventional, so stick with me here.

Avoid the Word “Prenup” Initially

Timing is Key

Quick caveat: I’m assuming if you’re reading this blog that your spouse is not necessarily pro prenup or you don’t know how they feel about prenups. Maybe it’s obvious, but if your spouse is completely on board with a prenup, you can just address it directly and not watch the rest of this video. But I’m going to assume that you think that your spouse may have some resistance to the idea.

One more tip before I go to the specific strategy – don’t wait until the month before the wedding! Start several months before the wedding – this isn’t a decision that should be made lightly or last minute. It’s unfair to drop this on your future spouse with little time to get educated and wrap his or her mind around it, and not the best way to start what we hope is a lifelong marriage.

Strategy for Introducing the Topic

Focus on Goals, Not Terminology

Start with what you are trying to accomplish, not the words I think we should get a prenup. If you’ve watched my other videos, you already know how many benefits there can be to a prenup that don’t involve you getting a divorce. But the general public thinks that prenups are just about keeping all of your money if you get divorced, so if you start with that, your spouse may think you’re planning your divorce before the wedding has happened.

Discuss Key Points Without Mentioning “Prenup”

Here’s a list of things to discuss with your spouse before you mention the word prenup:

1. Transparency About Finances: “I think we should be completely transparent with one another about our income, assets, and debts.”
2. Clarify Rights and Responsibilities: “I think we should be clear about what our rights and responsibilities are regarding what we each bring into the marriage. I don’t think it would be fair for you to pay the debts I accumulated before we got married, but I also don’t think it makes sense that you automatically own a piece of any assets I had coming in. We should be clear about who is responsible for what debts and who owns the assets that we each bring into the marriage.”
3. Financial Structure During Marriage: “We should have a plan for how we structure our finances during the marriage. My parents may have gotten married at age 21 and used only one bank account and one checkbook during the marriage. But that won’t work given that we’re each coming in with 3-4 bank accounts, 3-4 credit cards, a couple retirement accounts, a property, etc. I’ve heard that some couples split things up into 3 “money buckets”: mine, yours, and ours – and that helps couples avoid arguments about who pays for what.”
4. Rules Around Money Management: “I believe it would be helpful for us to have some rules around money during our marriage: what expenses do we pay from joint accounts, what do we pay from separate accounts? How much money do each of us contribute to the joint account and how much do we have for our own use? Are our retirement accounts considered joint money or separate? Coming up with a plan now could save us any confusion or disagreement later.”
5. Planning for the Unexpected: “I think it’s probably wise that we at least have a conversation about what things would look like if things don’t work out. I hope we last forever! But I also know couples that have spent 25% of their net worth and 2 years battling things out in court when the marriage didn’t last. I’d like for us to avoid that.”